apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
