I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
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