dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
