Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
