i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
