I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
