I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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