We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
