My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
