About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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