4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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