I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
