I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
