nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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