I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
