Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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