Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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