when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
