Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
