that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
