Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
