And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
