Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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