No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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