She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
