I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
