he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
BRING THE BAGELS
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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