I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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