Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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