I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
