I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
