u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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