Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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