if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
