goodnight i made you a song goodbye
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
