I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
