Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
