I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
