Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
