Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
