No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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