I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
