Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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