i already hear my dad disowning me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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