I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
