Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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