been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Houston, we have a squirter
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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