yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
