I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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