Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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