I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
