Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
